How did I fall in love with you?
by Donna Q
Summary: Based on Family Secrets Spoilers: Harm turns to Mac when his brother goes missing.


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DISCLAIMER: JAG and all associated characters are the property of Bellasario productions, CBS, and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended. Believe me, I'm not making any money off of it either! 

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Don't know where this one came from. Guess all the Family Secret speculations finally got to me. Someone recently posted something about wanting a list of Harm and Mac songs- I heard this song the other day and immediately flashed to the preview for FS. Since it wouldn't leave me alone, here it is in all of its humble glory. This is only my second fic (actually 1.5, since I never finished the other one…), so any feedback is greatly appreciated! 

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SPOILERS: Nothing specific, possibly anything through A Separate Peace and speculations based on spoilers for Family Secrets.

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ARCHIVE: Yes, as long as my name stays with it.

How Did I Fall in Love With You? 

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1900 hours local time

Harm's apartment

"Harm, you can't do this- listen to Mr. Webb, he'll take care of it!" Renee grabbed Harm's arm as he continued to toss clothes into the open suitcase on his bed. He angrily twisted out of her grasp. 

"We've been through this Renee. I'm going, now just leave me the hell alone." Harm slammed the suitcase shut. As he stalked into the living room Renee followed. 

"And just what do you think you're going to do Harm? What is it that you can do to find Sergei that Mr. Webb and his people can't? You're just going to get yourself killed!" Renee's voice gained volume as her fear and anger got the better of her.

"I think it would be best if you left now Renee." Harm's voice was cold as he turned to face her. She immediately noted that his eyes matched his voice. 

"Harm…" Renee's shoulders slumped in defeat. Determination was written all over him. This was not an argument she was going to win. " Does my opinion count for so little? Don't I have any say in this? You come slamming back in here after leaving for your little walk, and simply announce your intention to resign your commission and leave for Russia to find your missing brother—and you think that I should just let you go without an argument? Anything could happen to you over there! And as much as I would love for you to resign your commission, this is not what I had in mind. Can't we at least discuss this?" 

There was a long, uncomfortable silence as Harm simply stared at her. It was as if he was looking straight through her. 

"No." 

Renee stared in confusion. "That's it? That's all you have to say? No??" 

"I told you, I'm going. Just go." Harm walked tensely over to the door, opening it expectantly. 

Grabbing her coat from the couch, Renee slowly walked to the door. Letting out a small laugh, she stopped in front of Harm. "You know, I feel like I'm in a really bad movie right now. After about a year together, I thought you at least had some respect for my opinion. I see I was wrong." Quickly leaving the apartment, Renee stopped and turned in the hall. "It's been fun Harm. I hope you come back alive-- and for what it's worth, I hope you find your brother alive too. Be careful Harm." She leaned in and kissed him gently on the cheek. As she turned away to leave, Harm saw her wipe a single tear from her cheek. He closed the door and wondered why the site of his girlfriend, ex-girlfriend he supposed, wiping tears away left him cold. In fact, all he really felt was relief. Relief that she was gone, and that he didn't have to listen to her whining about him staying here. 

He briefly wondered if the detachment he was feeling was some sort of shock. Making his way to the couch he lowered himself down wearily. Why did it feel like everything in his life was falling apart? His world had turned upside down in less than two days. Running a hand through his hair, he leaned back and let his mind wander- unwillingly recalling flashes of the events that had led him to this crossroad in his life. 

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Mac- Staring at the ring on her right hand. "You'll find out tonight Mic. Yes. Uh huh. Maybe. Tonight. Yes, you're getting an answer tonight." Laughing- giggling almost. "If you're lucky." Looking up and seeing him. "Oh, Harm. Sorry didn't see you. Gotta go Mic, see you later. Yeah, me too."

Clayton Webb-"I'm sorry Harm, but Sergei is MIA."

The Admiral-" Permission denied Commander."

And then, again, there was Mac. After witnessing the scene between himself and the admiral, she had instinctively found him by the wall tonight. 

"I'm so sorry Harm." A hand on his shoulder. "Clay will find him…"

"I'm resigning my commission."

"Harm, this is not the time to make major life changing decisions- you're upset…"

"You're talking to me about making life changing decisions? He's my brother…" a whisper, too soft for her to hear, "the only person I have left."

"Harm, I don't want to see you make Sergei a new obsession. I'm worried about you. If Clay can't find him, then I'll help you. We'll go together—but the Navy has been your life. You love being an officer, please don't throw that all the way without giving it a little more thought.

"And let Sergei die in the meantime? I don't think so. This time I plan on being on time."

"Let me talk to the Admiral. Maybe we can change his mind. I have some leave time coming, I can be packed by…"

"No. You're not coming this time Mac. I'm doing this one on my own. I can't let you risk your life and your career for me again. I leave tomorrow morning.

"Isn't that my decision to make? Harm, I want to help. You can't do this alone. You don't even speak the language!"

Turning, preparing for the blow. "I don't need your help Mac, I'll find an interpreter—Alexi maybe. Besides, I think your fiancé, almost fiancé, whatever, would have a problem with you and I running off to Russia again." Silence, then…" Go home to Mic, Sarah."

Seeing the hurt in her eyes. Hearing her call out his name as he starts to walk away.

"So I guess this is goodbye again." Tears in her eyes. Tears trying to come up in his eyes as once again he feels her wrap him in a farewell embrace. "Why am I the only one crying… again?" she chokes out.

A feeling of desolation as she walks away—away from him, home to Mic. Desolation and anger. He stands alone at the memorial. Alone, always alone. 

Breathing out almost angrily, Harm sat up on the couch. How had his life degenerated so quickly? Monday he and Mac had enjoyed a boisterous lunch together after having won a particularly difficult case. He had felt that they were finally overcoming the distance that had been between them for so long. He had spent Tuesday night watching little AJ so that Harriet and Bud could spend some much-needed time together. Now-- well, now he was sitting in his apartment all alone, desperately trying not to cry. His brother was missing, possibly dead and he was resigning from the Navy. He was giving up the one thing that had given him purpose and discipline in his life. More than that, he felt like he had made a difference in the Navy, both as a pilot and at JAG. 

Standing, he walked over to the desk and picked up a silver picture frame. Wandering back to the couch, he tenderly caressed the picture in the frame. As he sat back down he studied the smile on his face in the picture. He remembered the day so well. He had felt like he had it all. Remembered thinking that this had to be the happiest he had ever been. It was cold, freezing really, but he'd stood there laughing, arms wrapped around two people who meant the most to him in the world. A smiling, laughing Sergei on one side, playfully pretending to try to get away from his 'big brother'. And on the other side—on the other side there was Mac. Arm wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her close to his heart, her hand grasping his where it rested on her shoulder. He could see the smile she was trying to suppress, the joy in her eyes as she had watched them carry on like two children. Clay had snapped the shot before they could actually get back into the 'pose', and the candid had quickly become Harm's favorite shot.

Now it simply made him depressed. Sergei was missing and Mac was probably going to marry Brumby. He had lost his brother and his best friend. Although to be honest, he and Mac had been growing apart for awhile. Since he had left the first time actually. There were moments of closeness, times when he felt that intimacy you can only feel with a close friend that you know really well, followed by weeks of distance and tension. He didn't know how to fix it either. Did he even have a right to? She had Brumby, maybe she didn't need him anymore. That's why he had pushed her away at the memorial. He couldn't let her be there for him again, only to lose her as soon as they returned home to the States… and Brumby. So why did he feel this urgent need for her to be here? He had pushed her away, and yet now he wanted nothing more than to have her here with him as his world crashed down around him. He needed her. Needed her to talk him away from the edge of the abyss that threatened to swallow his sanity. When had things become complicated? Why did he "need" her? Why couldn't it be the way it used to? The way it was when they were just friends. There were no overtones, no consequences from being there for each other. They could be there for each other without considering "ramifications." Now it felt like if he asked her for help, it meant so much more. There was subtext in everything they did these days. What happened to the days when they could just be there for each other. They didn't even have to talk, just be. There was a comfort in just knowing someone was there, not necessarily because you needed each others company, but because there was a quite strength that came in knowing that they were there, that you weren't alone. A time when she would have sat here beside him, not saying anything, just holding his hand and letting him know that she was there.

Harm missed that comfort with a desperation that bordered on panic. So instead he sat there, in the dark, all alone, silent tears marking the end of one life and the beginning of a new one. 

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Remember when, we never needed each other

The best of friends like

Sister and Brother

We understood, we'd never be,

Alone

Those days are gone, and now I want you so much

The night is long and I need your touch

Don't know what to say

I never meant to feel this way

Don't want to be

Alone tonight

End Part 1

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Additional Disclaimer: the song used in this story is How Did I Ever Fall in Love With You? By the Backstreet Boys. Portions of the song will appear in each piece. 

Donna 

(who also can't believe that she's 27 and using a song by the BSB in a fic—who knew? Oh well.) 

Part 2

Disclaimers in Part 1

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2300 hours local time

Harm's apartment

His plane left in 10 hours. He was packed. Everything was ready to go, piled beside the door. The only thing left to do was to sit here in the dark. He had 10 hours to do nothing but imagine everything that Sergei could be undergoing at this very moment. He could be in pain, injured, tortured probably, might even be dead. What would he do if he were? He had just found him. They were still getting to know each other. How could he be gone? How would he cope with that? His mom didn't even know Sergei existed—he should probably tell her, he thought in a detached side note. She's going to want to know why I left the Navy. 

Standing, Harm stretched his tired body and made his way into the bathroom. Splashing water on his face he stared at the haggard man in the mirror. The image reflected back at him looked so cold, so detached. Was that really him? He felt… he felt nothing. And yet, it seemed that there was pressure building inside him. As if all the turmoil he had finally suppressed earlier in the evening was churning just beneath the surface, waiting to burst forth in a torrent of emotion that would break him. Logically he knew that in all reality he shouldn't be alone right now. It would probably help to talk to someone. After all, it would probably be the last chance he got. Chances were that either he would die in Russia, or relocate after he got back. Of course, there was the small problem of having pushed absolutely everyone away. Bud, Harriett, Renee, even Mac. Bud and Harriett had called and left three messages on the machine. Amazing, with everything they were going through they still had time to be concerned with him. The Admiral, though furious with him, had left messages as well—also unanswered. Renee, well he was rude to her earlier. In her own way she had been trying to help, but the thought of talking with her about something this life changing left him cold. No, he really wanted to talk to Mac. But after the way they had left things at the wall, he wasn't so sure that she would want to talk to him. Then there was the whole Brumby issue. 

He couldn't just leave things like they were. What if he didn't come back? Did he really want his last memory of Mac to be the hurt in her eyes as they went their separate ways? He wanted to make things right between them once and for all. There was so much they had left unsaid. Maybe it wasn't fair to do this and then leave, but he felt compelled to make the effort at least. Besides, he knew himself well enough to know that he was probably going to get even more depressed as the evening progressed. He needed her here, selfish yes, but true. No one else would understand. Mac was the only one who had any idea what he must be going through.

Taking a deep breath, Harm made his way to the phone and slowly picked it up. Pressing the speed dial, he heard one ring, then two. 

"Hello?" Mac's voice hit Harm like an F-16. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. The room seemed to be spinning and he felt as if his whole world stopped and realigned, centering on the voice of Sarah Mackenzie. "Hello?" slightly impatient this time.

Pulling the receiver from his ear, Harm stared at it, as if the phone itself could explain away the sudden revelation he had. With the sound of Mac's voice all of the emotion he had quelled with force of will alone came bursting free. The desperation and concern for his brother, the regret and depression over leaving the Navy, the fear he wouldn't be coming back, and other, more confusing emotions. Overwhelmed by the maelstrom of emotion, Harm stood, momentarily mute. Yet, Mac's voice also served as an anchor. Despite the emotions ripping through his heart, he also instinctively knew that Mac could help-- if she was still speaking to him. 

"Heellloooo? Look buddy, we can stand here all night if you want to play it that way, or…"

"Mac?" Harm's voice came out in a whisper. Where had that come from? He cleared his throat.

A short pause. 

"Harm? Is that you?" 

"Yeah." Memories of the wall flashed through his mind. What did he say?

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What can I do, to make it right

"Are you OK? What's wrong?" concern evident in her voice.

"I'm sorry… sorry about earlier tonight—" again, his voice was coming out all wrong. Why was he whispering? Had his voice cracked?

"Harm? Harm, I'm coming over OK? Just don't go anywhere. I'll be there in 10 minutes." Her words were coming quickly now. 

"Alright." Nothing else would come out. He couldn't get it past the emotions lodged in his throat, one emotion in particular. Gently hanging the phone up, Harm stood, slightly dazed. 

Hearing her immediate concern, despite everything that had transpired between them the last year, seemed to put his whole world in perspective. How had it happened? When had it happened? Maybe it had always been there and he had just been to stupid to acknowledge it. The weight of his revelation hit him hard and fast. He was in love with Sarah Mackenzie. 

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Falling so hard so fast this time

What did I say, what did you do?

How did I fall in love with you?

End Part 2

Donna

(hoping that this is not totally lame. Just trying to pass the time on a snowed in Sunday afternoon.)

Part 3

Disclaimers in Part 2

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2300 local time

Harm's apartment

Heart pounding, Mac beat on Harm's door. Almost choking on the fear in her throat, she beat again, listening for the footsteps that would tell her Harm was OK. He had sounded so—broken, (was that the word?), on the phone. Something was definitely wrong. 

" Harm?! Harm, it's me, Mac. Open the door!" preparing to knock again, and cursing herself for not having picked up his spare apartment key from her place, she sighed in relief as the door suddenly opened. Her relief was short lived as she caught sight of Harm's face. He looked as if he had aged 10 years in the 4 hours since she had last seen him. 

"Harm?" she breathed the question in a shocked whisper, not really certain what was wrong only certain that something was. She stepped into the apartment hesitantly and pushed the door closed silently behind her. Still Harm stood silently, just gazing at her. He looked…shell shocked almost.

Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Harm knew that he should at least greet Mac. But all he could do was stand and stare. Here she was, four hours after him sending her away she was here making sure he was OK. What had he done to deserve that kind of loyalty from her? While he had waited for her to arrive, he had been trying to frame what he would say once she got here. Of course, the problem was he still wasn't sure he could explain why he had called her. Feeling himself growing more and more detached from himself and his friends, he had reacted to the situation by instinct—and his instinct said to call Mac. Whatever was wrong, she could help make it better. She was his anchor, and he loved her-- as a friend? Yes. As something more than a friend? He was afraid that might be the case. In fact, he was sure it was the case. But how did he deal with that knowledge? He had no right to spring that on her the night before he left the country… the night she was prepared to give Mic an answer. Besides, how could he even try to explore that newfound knowledge when somewhere halfway across the globe his brother could be dying or dead? At that thought, Harm felt his fragile control once again begin to slip. 

"Mac… I…" he stopped, not sure what to say.

"Oh, Harm" seeing the confusion and devastation in his eyes, Mac gently reached out and grasped his hand. Guiding him over to the couch she tugged him down to sit beside her. Turning slightly, she looked him straight in the face. Still clasping his hand, she reached out with her other hand and tenderly caressed the side of his face. 

Cupping his cheek, she finally spoke. "I know. I know it hurts. I'm sorry Harm. I wish I could tell you everything is going to be OK. I can't—but I can tell you you're not alone. I'm here Harm. I'm here."

For a moment Harm just sat there. Then slowly, quietly he began to cry. Silent sobs began to shake his shoulders, and Mac instinctively reached out to hold him as he let out all the pent up anguish and turmoil he was feeling. 

"Shhh. Shhh. It's OK Harm. It's OK. I won't leave you." Holding him, Mac felt her own eyes fill up with tears. 

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I hear your voice

And I start to tremble

Brings back the child that, I resemble

"Talk to me Harm. Tell me what you're feeling. You need to let it out" stroking the hair on the back of his neck, Mac tried to comfort Harm as he continued to cry. 

Drawing back, ashamed at the outburst of emotion, Harm tried to speak, not sure exactly what was going to come out. "I can't Mac. I can't do this… not again." Mac stared, struggling to understand what it was he was trying to tell her.

"Isn't enough that I… that I lost my Dad at Christmas?" Harm stopped and inhaled a shaky breath. Finally, the source of his anguish slipped out "Do I have to lose a brother too? I can't do this again Mac, the not knowing, the what ifs." A pause and then softly "maybe I'm the one that's cursed." 

Struck dumb with shock, Mac sat, mouth opening and closing for a moment. "Harm… how can you even think that?" she began.

"I know. I know." Mac watched as Harm withdrew from her embrace and visibly gathered himself. 

Reestablishing control of his tattered emotions, Harm struggled to meet Mac's gaze. "I know that logically Mac. I do. It's just that… I don't know. You know me, usually I respond with action. When something goes wrong, I'm the first one through the door, full speed ahead. Even today, I was fine. I knew what I needed to do. I was going to go to Russia and find Sergei…and then tonight, standing there at the wall, watching you walk away, it all hit me. I looked at my dad's name and imagined all the Christmas's that I had done the same thing, tracing his name wondering what had happened to him, and realized that he had been alive. Alive, Mac. He was alive and needed my help and I was too late. And then I thought about Sergei, and for just a minute, I was back on base housing, hearing them tell my Mom that my Dad was MIA. Before they came, Mom had just helped me wrap his Christmas present." Pausing, Harm looked up and met Mac's eyes. "Do you know what I did last night Mac?" voice breaking, Harm continued, "I wrapped a present for Sergei. I wrapped it so that I could mail it today." 

"Oh, Harm." Mac's heart was breaking. She didn't know what to say. She could only imagine the heartache he was feeling right now. 

"Standing there, I just, I don't know. I felt like my whole world was falling all apart again. I just wanted to fix it. And then I got home and I had all this free time on my hands" a weak chuckle, "and that's when I started imagining everything that could be happening to him. I can't fail him Mac. I can't let him down. I have to find him… and I don't know if I have the strength to try. If I'm already to late, I don't know if I can cope with the loss again."

Mac reached out and grabbed his hands. "Harmon Rabb Jr. you listen to me," her brown eyes met his blue eyes in a piercing stare, "you are the strongest man I know. And you haven't failed anyone. You found your father. There was no way you could have known he was alive in Russia. Don't you think if there had been a way for him to get home, he would have taken it? And Sergei… this isn't your fault either. He chose to stay in Russia. There's nothing you could have done to change his mind. He's a Rabb, he has his own ideas about honor and duty. Much like someone else I know, who is torturing himself over imaginary duties at this very moment. Harm, I can only imagine what you're going through right now—to find a brother and then just as quickly discover that you might have lost him. Not to be able to talk to your mother or grandmother about it, and to have it happen at this time of year… all things considered, I think you're coping pretty well sailor. It's no wonder you felt like your world was falling apart. And FYI counselor--crying doesn't make you weak, it makes you human." 

Seeing that her words seemed to actually be having an impact on Harm she continued, "You can't shoulder a burden like this alone Harm. Let us help you. Don't push us away" her voice dropped, pleading "don't push me away." 

Smiling through his pain, Harm tightened his grip on her hands. "Never again, Mac. Never again. Thank you. Thank you for coming over here. I know I'm a basket case…I tried dating a shrink once, but it didn't help any."

Mac smiled at his feeble attempt at humor, the tension and intensity of the last few minutes dissipating as the old Harm resurfaced. "You look like hell Rabb." 

"Yeah well, I had a little run in with a Marine earlier. She kicked my six." 

"Of course, she did. She's a marine." Mac stood, brushing her hands over her sweater, smoothing her rumpled appearance. Harm followed suit a little sheepishly.

"Sorry about the mini breakdown. I'm fine now. Thanks…for coming over I mean. I know you had plans."

"You know all you have to do ask, that's what friends are for."

"Yeah, I'm beginning to see that." Stepping forward, Harm pulled Mac into a tight hug. "Thank you Sarah. Thank you for being you and for knowing how to lead me back to myself." Mac's arms tightened around his back. "You're welcome flyboy. Your welcome." 

They stood, each hanging on to the other, not sure where to go next or even how to end the moment. The additional emotions Harm had been dealing with once again flooded front and center. As he stood with Mac held securely against his chest, feeling her heart beating against his own, he wondered once again when and how this had actually happened. When had he…how had he fallen in love with her? 

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I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends

Don't want to be,

Alone tonight

End Part 3

Part 4

Still holding Mac tightly, Harm could feel her every breath against his neck. He felt his heart began to race as anxiety welled up within him. How could I have been this stupid? For so long he had refused to really explore how he felt about Mac. He knew that she was a partner and friend, beyond that it had seemed perfectly natural to simply accept his own vague idea that someday it might be more… if he let himself think about it. Looking back he supposed he should've realized that it was already to late. He hated everyone she went out with. He also had this driving compulsion at the back of his mind at all times to know that she was safe. There were times he found himself walking into her office just to make sure she had returned unharmed from a potentially dangerous interview or field assignment. Now, faced with the prospect of leaving her, perhaps not even coming back, it was like his heart was making up for lost time. He might not have known yesterday, or for that matter this morning, that he loved her: but he knew now, and it was tearing him apart. It seemed every moment he held her in his arms, he simply loved her more. He was falling hard and fast. How did he make up for all the hurtful things he had done in the last year? How could he suddenly say "you know Mac, I know you're engaged to Mic now, but you remember when you asked how long I was going to wait? Well, I'm ready now. I'm leaving for Russia tomorrow, and we don't have a lot of time, but I thought you might like to know I love you." He could already see Mac picking him up to body slam him, yelling well-deserved obscenities at him on his way down—and he would deserve it. So where did that leave him? He didn't want to be alone tonight, but how could he ask her to stay without telling her how he felt? 

__

What can I do, to make it right

Falling so hard so fast this time

What did I say, what did you do?

How did I fall in love with you?

Taking a deep breath, Harm finally released Mac and stepped back. 

"Mac, I don't know what to say. Thank you seems so inadequate. I make my living with words, and yet whenever I try to communicate with you words fail me. There are so many things I wish I could express to you...."

Mac reached out and placed a finger on his lips. "Harm, you don't have to say anything. I know. You're my friend and I care about you. I hope you realize that I'm always here for you. We've been through too much together to..." Harm looked straight into her eyes as he reached up and gently pulled her finger away from his lips. 

"Shhh, Mac. I need to say this. I need to make things right." He paused to gather his thoughts and his courage, and then continued "I know I hurt you earlier tonight when I sent you away, and I know that I've hurt you before as well. I haven't exactly been an officer and a gentleman lately. Back in Sydney—no let me say this" he stopped her before she could interrupt. "I'm not really sure what I was thinking, or even what you were trying to say that night on the ferry. And yet, it seems like that one night has changed both of our lives in ways that I feel pretty certain wouldn't have happened if I hadn't panicked. That's the only way I know to describe it Mac. I remember standing there looking at you, just watching your eyes as you talked to me," Harm reached out and placed his hand on her cheek as he continued "and what I thought I saw there scared me. I've never really let myself think to deeply about how I really feel about you Mac. You were my best friend, someone I knew I could count on no matter what. I knew I could be completely honest with you and not have to worry that you would up and leave me. Even a hint that you wanted to change that terrified me. I didn't want to open the doors on anything that could mean you had reason to leave me one day." Harm let out a weak laugh, "so I have abandonment issues. I told you I'm a basket case." 

Mac held the hand that still clasped her cheek. "You don't have to so this Harm. I know you would never hurt me on purpose. I always realize that after I get over the initial 'I hate arrogant, cocky, ex pilot, navy lawyers' phase. And I've already told you, I'll always be here for you."

"I know. That's what kills me Mac. Ever since I saw that ring on your hand I've done nothing but be a jerk. I can't help it. It's like Brumby embodies everything I was afraid of. I didn't want to lose you so I shut you out on the ferry, and then I saw Brumby's ring, and I felt as if I had lost you anyway. How could you always be there for me if you had someone else now? I guess I let that fear get in the way of our friendship. In a way, I guess it was a kind of self induced degeneration. I thought Brumby was taking you away from me, so by taking my anger out on him, and you, I caused the very thing I didn't want to happen. I lost you. I lost the best friend that I used to know." 

"Harm, you didn't lose me. I'm still here. I've always been here. When you really need me, I just hop a taxi and ride through war zones until I find you." Mac attempted to lighten the mood as she noted the tension still emanating from Harm's body. Her effort won her a small grin on his part, weak, but definitely there. 

"I know. Which brings me back to square one. How do I tell you how much that means to me? I don't have the words to explain to you how much you amaze me. Despite my efforts to the contrary, you're always there when I need you. I don't deserve that kind of loyalty from you. I wish I did, but I haven't done anything to merit it recently."

"Harm, friendship isn't based on merit. That's what friends are for, real ones anyway, they're the ones that are there for you when you least deserve it. They look at you and see beyond the temporary behavior that you exhibit as a reaction to circumstances around you. They see the person they care about. Friends keep you grounded. They look at you and see who you can be, not who you are. If you can't count on your friends to ignore the growing pains as we learn tough life lessons, who are you going to count on? They're the ones that are there to knock you in the head and say "hey, get over it and move on", and in doing that they teach us to grow beyond what we already were." Mac paused, struggling to find the words to express what she felt, "Does that make any sense?" 

"Actually it does. Like I said, you never cease to amaze me Mac. You have as yet unexplored depths I see. A bit of philosopher in there perhaps." Grinning, Harm reached out and tapped Mac's forehead. 

Laughing, Mac batted his finger away from her head. "Yeah well, don't tell anyone. You do and I'll kick you're six from here to 29 Palms. I have a 'tough as nails marine' image to uphold." 

They both stood just grinning, soaking in the nostalgia of the moment. It felt like old times. Mac watched as Harm's face gradually lost it's carefree expression. "What?" 

"Mac, I know this is a lot to ask, I mean I know you and Mic have plans—and this is a selfish request, but… I really don't want to be alone tonight. If I sit here in the dark or stare out the window one more time, I really will be a basket case. I keep imagining the worst possible scenario for Sergei. Could you—would you, do you mind staying here tonight? Just to talk. I miss that." Harm held his breath as he waited for her answer, even as he was berating himself for losing his mind. Yeah, you're deeply in love with your partner, you don't know if you should tell her and you invite her to spend the night?! Great thinking Rabb. 

"Of course I will. I'd like that a lot." 

With her answer, Harm made a decision. They were going to talk alright, whether he should or not, he was not leaving this country without Mac knowing how he felt. 

__

Oh I want to say this right

And it has to be tonight

Just need you to know, oh yeah

End Part 4

Part 5- Conclusion

Drawing a deep breath and saying a silent prayer for strength, Harm pasted a weak smile on his face. "Well, then, if you're going to stay, we might as well get comfortable." Taking Mac's hand he drew her back down to the couch. 

"You know if you had a TV here, it would be a lot easier to take your mind off of everything. We could have at least watched a movie." Grumbling half heartedly, Mac kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs up under her. She leaned back against the armrest of the couch, watching Harm intently. "So what do you want to talk about Rabb? I have all night. Movies? Books? Marine superiority? Weather?"

"Cute marine. Nice try, but no deal. I'm not in the mood to argue tonight. I said I wanted company, not that I had a death wish." Enjoying the light hearted manner, the significance of his words didn't really hit him until he saw the expression on Mac's face. Sighing, he gave voice to her thoughts, "but that's the question isn't it? Do I have a death wish? He could see the protest on Mac's lips before her mouth ever opened. Holding up his hand for silence, Harm considered his next words carefully. 

"I want you to be honest with me Mac. Do you think this is some kind of suicide mission? Do you think it's too late? 

Mac's response was slow in coming. "I don't know Harm. I'm not sure what kind of odds Sergei is facing. As to whether I think it's a suicide mission, well, I think its somewhat impulsive but inevitable. Yes, there's the possibility that you could be killed if you go—but if you don't go it would kill you just the same. Your own guilt would consume you Harm. You're obsessive about the things you care about and the thought that you could have saved Sergei if you had only been there would overwhelm you. So, no I don't think you have a death wish. I think that's a moot point. You are, unfortunately, you—and you're going to do the Rabb thing and go off half cocked." Mac paused, searching for the words that would persuade him to rethink his actions, "I do think that you should rethink that matter of going alone. Harm, you don't know the language. How are you going to communicate? If you can't question witnesses than how are you going to find your brother? You would be wasting a lot of time trying to make yourself understood, time Sergei may not have." She heard Harm's quick inhalation as he absorbed those words, and then nothing. 

Finally, "that was hitting below the belt Mac." 

"I know. I just want you to understand. You can't do this alone Harm. There are people more qualified than you that can handle the situation, Clay's people for example. But if you aren't going to wait for them, then at least take me with you. That's the only way you stand a chance of succeeding." She waited impatiently, preparing rebuttals for the inevitable objections he was sure to raise.

"Mac, I appreciate the offer. I do, but we've been through this. I may be willing to risk my life for my brother, but I'm not willing to risk yours. Everything you've said is absolutely correct. You think I haven't been through the same pattern of reasoning over the last few hours? That's all I've been doing." Harm came to an abrupt stop and Mac watched as he visibly gathered himself for his next admission.

__

I don't want to live this life

I don't want to say goodbye

Slowly, hesitantly almost, he began again, his eyes boring into hers as if he was trying to speak straight to her heart. "Mac, I know you don't understand why I don't want you coming with me. You still think that I'm pushing you away, or that I'm simply incapable of rational thought because of my emotional ties to the situation." He read the truth of that statement in the slight blush that spread across her cheeks. " I don't blame you. If it were anyone else I would probably come to the same conclusion, but I've done a lot of thinking today and…and I want to try to explain to you the real reason why I don't want you to come with me." Stopping, Mac watched Harm moisten his lips nervously. His eyes reflected some vast inner turmoil. 

"I'm tired Mac." Not the opening statement she had been expecting. Her face must have registered her confusion, he immediately continued. "I'm tired of the way I've been living my life. I'm tired of projecting the Harmon Rabb image, of trying to make myself into the person that everyone around me expects me to be. I'm tired of running away in confusion. I'm tired of not knowing what I want. I'm just…I'm tired. Does that make any sense? I want to stop running. I want to stop pretending. I want to find out what it means to be happy, really happy. Above all, I don't want to say goodbye." Harm paused, reaching out and grasping Mac's hand in his own. He tore his gaze away from her eyes and stared down at the hand he now held in his own. Gently rubbing his thumb up and down her fingers, he finally continued. 

"I know this isn't coming out right. Just bear with me Mac. It's not that I don't want you to come with me to Russia. I do. It's just that I can't let you come. As much as I want you with me, as much as I can't bear the thought of telling you goodbye and walking out that door, I can't risk the possibility that you could be injured because of me. I care too much about you to be comfortable with the idea of you going. I would rather make myself leave you here than allow myself to take you only to lose you once we got there. And I know what you're thinking—that it's not my decision to make. But you see Mac that's where you're wrong. I know I have no right to tell you this, but I promised myself I was going to tell you before I left. I'm not sure when it happened, or how for that matter, but…" Harm stopped, letting out a shaky breath. He released her hand to rub his palms down his pants.

"Harm? You're making me really nervous. What's wrong? I'm not sure I understand…" Mac's voice was full of confusion. 

"Just give me a minute. This is harder than I thought." Sitting up straight and retrieving her hand, Harm met Mac's confused gaze directly. " Mac." A pause as he moistened his lips again, "Sarah." Harm leaned in almost imperceptibly, angling his body in closer. He reached up with his free hand and cupped her cheek. He tilted her head up and then leaned in so that only inches separated their faces. Staring straight into her luminous brown eyes, only inches from his own Harm finally said the words that had been hiding at the back of his heart and mind for years, "I love you." He saw the exact moment that his words registered through Mac's confusion. Her eyes widened momentarily in shock, and then quickly shut as unidentified emotions began to flicker in their depths. 

Full of doubt now that he had actually said the words, Harm quickly let his hand drop from her face and rushed to fill the silence. "I know I shouldn't have said anything, or maybe I should have said something—just alot earlier. My timing stinks, I know. I mean, you're engaged to Brumby and I'm leaving, but I didn't really realize that I did until tonight. I was standing there looking at the phone in my hand and there it was: the knowledge that I loved you. I'm not sure why I didn't realize it before, maybe I did know, but I was afraid. But like I said Sarah, I'm tired of bring afraid. I had to tell you tonight before I left, just so that if anything happens you know. I just wanted you to know." Harm's words stumbled over each other as he rambled almost out of control, waiting for Mac to respond somehow. Wouldn't she have at least hit him by now if she were mad? Maybe her continued silence was a good thing. He pondered that thought as he waited for her to open her eyes. 

His nervousness grew exponentially as she remained silent. "Mac? Say something. Hit me, yell at me, do something…"her eyes opened and Harm stopped abruptly mid-sentence. He starred in shock at the tears filling her huge eyes. "Mac?" he whispered, not sure what they meant.

"You persist in these false assumptions. What is it with you?" Harm's heart dropped at her words, not sure what she meant. Mac continued, her voice trembling with her unshed tears. "You say you love me and then back pedal with this whole 'I have no right and I know you're engaged to Brumby' bit. You amaze me Harmon Rabb." Mac stuck her left hand up in Harm's face. "Do you see a ring?" she demanded. 

Harm stood, mouth hanging slightly open. "No" he was finally able to squeeze out. "And this hand?" Mac questioned sticking her right hand up in his face. "N…No." Harm grabbed her hand before she could pull away from him. "Mac, you're not wearing Brumby's ring on either hand." 

"I know that you big dolt." Mac did hit him now, slapping him sharply across the shoulder. 

"But I thought, when I heard you on the phone…" he started.

"I was. When you called tonight I had just said yes. I was standing there with my fiancée, hugging him and thinking I should be feeling really happy right now, when the phone rang. I was so upset about the fight we had, I was hoping it was you. Mic wanted to let the machine get it, and I couldn't get away from him fast enough to find out if it really was you. When I heard your voice and I knew something was wrong…I had my coat on and was already on my way to the door when Mic stopped me. He wasn't that happy when I explained that I was coming to check on you. Can you blame him really? I had just said yes to his proposal and yet I was on my way out the door less than five minutes later to check on you." The tears that had been held back until now finally began to find their way down Mac's face. "But do you know what he said to me Harm? He asked if I wanted him to come with me. He didn't tell me not to come, or get mad or yell. He just had this resigned look on his face. That's when I knew that I couldn't do it. He deserves more than second best. He deserves someone who can love him without reservation…and I can't. I thought I could, but all it took was a phone call for me to run out on him. That's no way to start a marriage, so I—I gave the ring back and walked away."

"So you're not…" 

"No, Harm I'm not." It was her turn to reach up and gently touch his cheek. "I couldn't marry Mic… because I love you too." Mac's words brought a huge grin to Harm's face. He laughed outloud and pulled her to him for a tight hug. Drawing back, he swept down and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. 

"I've waited a long time for that" Mac sighed breathlessly a few moments later. 

"Let me see if I can make it up to you" Harm's eyes twinkled with amusement as he swept Mac over his arm and then proceeded to kiss her as he dipped her almost to the floor. Struggling to keep their balance, Mac had grabbed Harm's shoulders in a death grip when the harsh ringing of the phone broke into their new found euphoria. Standing quickly, Mac felt the muscles in Harms shoulders tense tightly in anticipation of bad news. 

"How couldn't I have forgotten, even for a moment" Mac heard Harm's whisper and recognized the guilt in his voice. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. "It could be anyone Harm. Don't get yourself worked up." He started toward the phone, pulling her along behind him. As he reached for the phone, fear and dread written all over his face, she spoke again. "And Harm, Sergei wouldn't begrudge you a few minutes of happiness." His hard squeeze of her hand was the only acknowledgement that he had heard her. He placed the phone to his ear and pulled Mac into a half hug, holding her to his side with his arm wrapped around her waist like a vice. She watched his face, trying to determine what was being said by his facial expressions. He gave nothing away, simply answering yes or no in all the appropriate places. 

"Thanks Clay. I appreciate your letting me know" Harm hung up the phone and wrapped both arms around Mac, pulling her into a full embrace. 

"Harm?" she questioned hesitantly.

His voice came out in a hoarse whisper. "They found him Mac. Clay found him and got him out—alive. He's OK. They've taken him to a nearby hospital, but he'll be all right. Thank God." They stood soaking in the comfort of the other as relief coursed through them.

"I was so scared Mac. I really don't know what I would have done if Clay had said he was dead."

"You would have coped Harm. I would have helped. I didn't finally get you just to lose you the same night."

Harm pulled back, "you do have me you know. You have my heart wholly and completely. I meant what I said earlier Mac. I do love you. I wasn't just saying that because I was leaving."

"I know Harm. I'm sorry that you had to suffer through all this, but if this is what made you realize that you love me, then I can't say that I'm sorry it happened." Mac paused, not certain how to proceed. "So what do we do now sailor? I love you. You love me. Sergei is safe, and if we are extremely lucky the admiral will be in a good mood tomorrow."

"We take it slow. I want us to be best friends again. I want us to simply spend time together, talking and sharing our dreams—and maybe a few kisses here or there."

"And then?"

"And then we live happily ever after Sarah. Doing a lot more than kissing…" a brief interuption as all talking was suspended.

__

With you I wanna spend

The rest of my life

"Sarah. I have so much to make up for…"

"No Harm, you don't. All that matters is that we finally both got it right. Maybe your world did fall apart today, but now we can build a new one—together."

__

What can I do, to make it right

Falling so hard so fast this time

Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall in love with you?

The End.


End file.
